At work the other day, a co-worker asked me a question. As innocent as it was, it made me think. It was kind of a moment that took me by surprise. The question was “Do you miss your boy still”?
I’ve made it no secret that my move was because of a devastating break-up. After kicking and screaming, after job hunting and house hunting, after everything… it was time to move. Ready or not, it was time.
Initially when I moved the children were gone and I was really overwhelmed by being alone. Until my children came home I still spent more time at *J* house than my own. Even when they came home, most of my group of days off we ALL spent the time at *J*. But now that school has started again it really limits our time together. We do still text a lot and there are still phone calls. But visits just aren’t as easy with two lives going two different directions. So, we remain friends. But that isn’t really where this is going.
Do I miss him and do I miss a boyfriend are two different questions. With somewhat complicated answers.
Plain and simple… Yes, I miss *J*. I miss him a lot. But I am thankful we remain friends. Even though there are challenges with remaining friends… I wouldn’t trade it.
Plain and simple… No, I don’t miss having a boyfriend. I don’t think I’ve ever said that before. It is a lot of work to make a relationship work. Especially a new relationship.
Now, this is where the complicated part comes in… I miss *J* being my boyfriend. I miss working on problems together. I miss knowing what to expect when we are working through problems. I miss co-parenting (although we still co-parent). But I am NOT ready to do the boyfriend thing again right now. I’m focused on my work. I’m focused on my kids. I am focused on my house. I can decorate however I want to, without worrying about other people’s opinions. I can leave to go to shopping without worrying about another adult’s schedule.
I guess the aspect I really do miss is company. But between visits with *J* and my children… I really do have company. Just miss more adult interaction. I’m learning to enjoy a life with my kids and my friends! However, I know that I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve. Especially not to have company.
It was the first time… in a long time I realized I’m okay. I’m still healing but I really will be okay!
My Facebook has been absolutely flooded with various wedding pictures. Beautiful wedding pictures. Happy couples… vowing to spend the rest of their lives together. Some in small courthouses, some in churches, and others in the outdoors. I am really happy for them all.
But there is a part of me that is sad. I know it sounds selfish. I am just in a rough spot. Kind of down and out. This time last year I was in a relationship with a guy I planned on marrying. I really thought my search was over. I thought I had found my happily ever after. Then it was over… all the dreams and discussions that had happened… they were just over. Lost. Just like that.
I’m still picking up the pieces. Still working on healing. It has been quiet awhile and I still haven’t healed all the way just yet. Some parts I have gotten easier while others I am still struggling with. Judge me if you will it it hasn’t been easy for me. For whatever reason.
I’m thankful for the friendship we currently have. But I still miss what was there. It kills me to still feel what I feel. But day by day I allow myself to heal. To allow a friendship to endure. To wait until I am ready to take any steps to move on, to be fair to everyone involved.
I know, based on the very raw emotion I have that I am not even close to “there” yet. Well, I’m not sure how close I am but it feels pretty far. I know I am not ready to put myself out there. I know I’m not ready to try… yet. Eventually… eventually I will be ready to grab onto another try at happily ever after.
So, on day two of this August challenge I was to post about the topic of wishes. I’m looking forward to sharing just a few of the wishes that float through my head from day to day. Except that this is just a small selection of today’s wishes. The top wishes.
Topic: “If you had three wishes what would they be and why?”
I wish that I could speed up time. I have just begun school again and I am eager to get it over with! There are two main reasons that I am still working outside of the house. The first reason is because I have to be able to have the budget to not be working while I am building up my business. I’m really excited about getting that budget together. But you know that takes time and planning. But I know that I am going to have to be prepared for the slow start with licensing requirements and such. The second reason why I’m still working outside of the house is because I need to make a lot of progress on my classes before I quit. I won’t say it has to be completely finished but it does have to be closer because that will increase my likelihood that I will be able to find clients. Because, let’s face it… I will be caring for the future generations and parents should be concerned that not just ANYBODY cares for their children full time. I don’t think that an occasional babysitter will have to have their formal education in child care but for someone who wants to do it full time… I think it’s important. If I could just make a wish that I want to come true, speed up time and complete these classes!
The second wish that I would like to have come true is being more comfortable being alone. I’ve never been good at being “single” or “alone”. I’m still definitely not very good with it now either. But I am making it. My children DO help because I’m not completely alone. But sometimes I think that there might be a part of me that wonders what would happen if they weren’t around. There are a lot of times that, although the children help, it isn’t the same as having an adult around to spent time with. I really do struggle with a lot of anxiety about being alone. I’m not really sure why I am like that though… just something I’ve always struggled with. I’m working on getting better at this… to better myself, for myself but also for my kids. They deserve for me to be content no matter what the situation is. I think that right now is a good time to work on it. I am single and I am in an area where I am forced to learn to deal with things. It’s good timing also because I’m still really scared of getting hurt again so I am kind of taking every aspect very slowly. Which I am okay with. That little graphic kind of describes exactly what I am feeling.
The last wish that I would like to make come true… and it’s a big one! I wish that my children had a better dad. As hard as co-parenting is with two parents, I wish that I had to deal with that for my kids instead of explaining to them why their father really only wants to see them 30 days in the summer (if that). Their father isn’t a very active role all the time in their lives. He sometimes pays his child support. Which is a quarter of what most people pay for three children. But when he has other things going on… he doesn’t pay (which of course isn’t a luxury that I have). He also doesn’t have a whole lot of drive to visit with the kids. I think that the main thing I’ve noticed is he really wants to see them when he has a girlfriend or some girl to impress. When the kids come back from their visitation, he will spend a bit of time texting with Laura but then he backs way off. Every time I have to explain, it breaks my heart. Really breaks my heart. But I know that someday he will have to explain for himself. Because I’m doing my part! It would just be helpful and nice for them to have that extra parent.