I was enjoying an average day at work Friday. All the sudden I was overcome. It was a feeling I can’t even fully describe. My chest became tight and heavy. I began feeling short of breath and dizzy. The hallway seemed to begetting longer and longer. Eventually, I took my blood pressure. It was beyond a little high (145/104). I have been experiencing this off and on for the last several days.
I assume it is some kind of anxiety attack. I don’t feel anxious. But I know something is going on with me. It feels horrible. Complete with this crazy urge to break down and cry. Completely crazy. It’s making me even more crazy not knowing why my chest is heavy/tight/sore.
I wonder if, on top of everything else, it means it’s time for me to go back to the doctor. Or find me a new job. Or maybe even both. I don’t know but I can feel it in my chest. Something is going on! I just wish I knew what was causing it and what it is exactly that I am feeling. Because I would certainly get rid of it!
So, I guess it is time to call for an appointment with the doctor… AND start polishing my resume!
I sat down a few days ago (after completing the Netflix episodes of “My Strange Addiction”) and began thinking about some of my very own strange additions. A lot of these are a direct product of my writing. So, I thought it would be fun to kind of talk about some of them.
I picked my first topic… my first addiction. My addiction with my handwriting. I know it sounds a little crazy. Especially since I blog… essentially no one will ever see my handwriting. Most everything is electronic anymore. But as I’m writing, I am highly critical. The shapes of letters, the number of mistakes, even the size of a paragraph. This holds true on the papers I get report from at work. It will be re-written if I think it doesn’t look neat.
Now, I do know this is a little irrational. I know it isn’t a dangerous addiction. Just a silly one. It is just a fluky little thing that began when I was in school. You know how teachers used to harass you about the quality of your handwriting.
What kind of strange addictions do you have? I can’t be the only one with some strangeness. Stay tuned for more of my very own strange addictions!!
At work the other day, a co-worker asked me a question. As innocent as it was, it made me think. It was kind of a moment that took me by surprise. The question was “Do you miss your boy still”?
I’ve made it no secret that my move was because of a devastating break-up. After kicking and screaming, after job hunting and house hunting, after everything… it was time to move. Ready or not, it was time.
Initially when I moved the children were gone and I was really overwhelmed by being alone. Until my children came home I still spent more time at *J* house than my own. Even when they came home, most of my group of days off we ALL spent the time at *J*. But now that school has started again it really limits our time together. We do still text a lot and there are still phone calls. But visits just aren’t as easy with two lives going two different directions. So, we remain friends. But that isn’t really where this is going.
Do I miss him and do I miss a boyfriend are two different questions. With somewhat complicated answers.
Plain and simple… Yes, I miss *J*. I miss him a lot. But I am thankful we remain friends. Even though there are challenges with remaining friends… I wouldn’t trade it.
Plain and simple… No, I don’t miss having a boyfriend. I don’t think I’ve ever said that before. It is a lot of work to make a relationship work. Especially a new relationship.
Now, this is where the complicated part comes in… I miss *J* being my boyfriend. I miss working on problems together. I miss knowing what to expect when we are working through problems. I miss co-parenting (although we still co-parent). But I am NOT ready to do the boyfriend thing again right now. I’m focused on my work. I’m focused on my kids. I am focused on my house. I can decorate however I want to, without worrying about other people’s opinions. I can leave to go to shopping without worrying about another adult’s schedule.
I guess the aspect I really do miss is company. But between visits with *J* and my children… I really do have company. Just miss more adult interaction. I’m learning to enjoy a life with my kids and my friends! However, I know that I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve. Especially not to have company.
It was the first time… in a long time I realized I’m okay. I’m still healing but I really will be okay!
I recently went on a search for a way to “adopt” a soldier who was serving our country. I personally know the sacrifices that these soldiers make when they have to leave their loves ones behind. So, I was ready to follow my belief that these troops can use all the support they can get from “back home”. In the search there are several sites that were designed for dating. That wasn’t what I wanted (as we’ve already discovered that I’m not quiet ready for that yet). So, I kept looking around checking out places on the internet that will connect you with soldiers without being a dating site. Eventually I found “Soldier’s Angels”.
I read over the website quiet a few times and did some research before I decided to make the decision to sign up. But in the end, I decided to go ahead and sign up. Initially I was just an Associate Angel (free). However, there are many more ways to support when you become verified. Which, I went ahead and did in the end so I could “adopt” a soldier to write and send care packages to. I then asked for a soldier to adopt. It wasn’t long before I got the information for a hero.
Obviously, I wont be saying to much about my hero here. Their privacy is the most important thing. However, I will kind of talk about my adventure of “adoption” without telling anything about the hero. I’m really excited to be supporting a wonderful hero. I have managed to email back and forth a few times and the first letter is written and will be sent tomorrow. I’m kind of glad, that right now, my hero has access to email. They don’t always have access to a computer or phone. Sometimes their days are long and they don’t have a lot of time to write back. But as of right now, my hero has bee able to write by email a few times.
So, do YOU have some time to share some support with our soldiers who are serving our country? There are lots of way besides adopting to show support… go check out “Soldiers Angels” and start giving some support from back home!
Tomorrow starts my day shifts at the hospital. I’d be lying if I was to say I wasn’t nervous. As I mentioned to the girl who initially trained me when I started… I never really bothered to find my rhythm during day shift because I knew I was going nights. It was during the night time that I found my rhythm and was able to get things done as needed. Plus I worked a night shift on Saturday night (got off Sunday morning) and I didn’t really allow myself enough days to get accustomed to sleeping at night again. So, tomorrow might well be a LONG day!
Today I spent most of the day napping in the morning (because I couldn’t sleep last night, as hard as I tried). Then I tried to stay awake and busy. Off the couch and out of the bed. I knew that if I stayed sitting to long on one of these comfortable platforms I would really struggle to stay awake. Figuring that it would mean I would struggle to sleep tonight if I slept to much. However, what I didn’t account for was the fact that now my body is awake even after not napping. Because, plain and simple, my body is used to having to be awake even if I don’t sleep during the day. But because I was trying to stay busy my house is straightened up and my sheets smell clean and fresh since I did laundry. Now if I could just get my brain to SHUT UP long enough to go to bed and enjoy those clean sheets!
I’m a little worried about how I am going to do tomorrow. I like to be fast and get my job done but I worry. I know that at least for the first few days I won’t be as effective as I could be. Until I figure out my way of doing things I will be slower. That will drive me crazy! But I am sure I will figure it out… I just have to have some patience with myself. They wouldn’t have offered me day shift if they didn’t think I was capable of it anyways. So, send me some positive thoughts and such for tomorrow… oh and Wednesday! Hopefully the weekend will be slower. Guess we will see… since that isn’t always the case either!